I'm doing great! I'm feeling fantastic!
Slept two hours, drank six coffees,
and just threatened my toaster.
The bastard knows what he did.
Alarm goes off, I punch the fucking clock,
Monday's back, and I wanna change the locks.
Boss says, "We're family!" What a beautiful lie,
Then he cuts my fucking bonus and asks me why I cry.
Seventeen tasks, three deadlines, no pay,
"Can you do this ASAP?" Bitch, define the fucking day!
My inbox multiplies, my printer's possessed,
Even Microsoft Teams thinks I'm clinically stressed.
"Think outside the box!" Yeah, I'm thinking outside,
With a tank full of rage and my sanity fried.
HR says, "Be professional, control your frustration."
I'm one "quick question" from a hostile resignation.
I'm calm, I'm cool, I'm perfectly stable,
While plotting my escape under the conference table.
I breathe in, breathe out, count to ten
Someone says, "Got a minute?"
HERE WE GO AGAIN!
I'm not crazy, I'm just FUCKING UNSTABLE!
One loose screw and a half eaten bagel!
Life's a circus, work's a shitshow,
I'm the goddamn clown screaming, "WHERE DID MY MIND GO?"
Lose my shit? Bitch, I lost it last Tuesday!
Found it in the fridge next to expired sushi!
I'm a walking red flag in a discount suit,
Smiling like a psycho in my corporate boots!
Get home, sink's full, dishes forming a nation,
My laundry's got a government, my couch needs renovation.
My bank account's a ghost, my rent's a fucking crime,
I work forty hours just to run out of time.
I shop online for a dopamine injection,
Buy a useless gadget, call it personal progression.
My phone says eleven hours "That's unhealthy behavior!"
Shut the fuck up, rectangle, you're my worst fucking enabler.
Dating apps are hell with a filter and a bio,
"Zero drama" posted by a walking fucking psycho.
My therapist says, "You joke to hide your pain."
I said, "You charge me by the hour, so who's exploiting whom again?"
The news says we're doomed, influencers say "heal,"
Politicians sell us bullshit wrapped in fake appeal.
Everybody's an expert, everybody's profound,
Can't assemble IKEA, but can lecture the whole town!
I'm not crazy, I'm just FUCKING UNSTABLE!
One loose screw and a half-eaten bagel!
Life's a circus, work's a shitshow,
I'm the goddamn clown screaming, "WHERE DID MY MIND GO?"
Lose my shit? Bitch, I lost it last Tuesday!
Found it in the fridge next to expired sushi!
I'm a walking red flag in a discount suit,
Smiling like a psycho in my corporate boots!
"Let's circle back!" I'll circle you into the sun!
"Let's build synergy!" Bitch, let's get something done!
"Take ownership!" I've owned this shit for a year!
"Be a team player!" Put your own damn jersey on, dear!
My boss sends a thumbs up, now I'm reading the signs,
Does he hate my guts or am I losing my mind?
My last brain cell packed its bags and left town,
Left a note saying, "Fuck this shit, I'm out!"
I tried meditation, downloaded the app,
It charged me for inner peace what kind of scam is that?
Even enlightenment comes with a monthly fee,
I'm gonna find Buddha and demand a refund, G!
I'm held together with caffeine and spite,
A fake ass smile and the will to survive.
I'll finish every task, make the whole team proud,
Then scream into a pillow till the neighbors call the cops!
Dear sanity,
It's been real.
I'm sorry I couldn't keep us together.
But have you MET these people?
I'm not crazy, I'M FUCKING UNSTABLE!
Got a cracked-ass brain and a half-eaten bagel!
Life's a shitshow, work's a circus,
I'm the goddamn clown and the whole world's worthless!
Lose my mind? Bitch, that ship sailed years ago!
Now I'm a haunted-ass suit putting on a show!
I'm a walking red flag with a corporate degree,
And the least insane motherfucker here is probably me!
Thank you for attending my mental breakdown.
Please rate your experience.
One star?
FUCK YOU, FILL OUT THE SURVEY!
Same time tomorrow?
...Fuck. Yeah.
