Mind

Tired of aching chest convulsing sitting here my arms in a knot

Tired of panic and time and aggression

Tired of words and lies intertwined with discovery

Where are you?

When are you coming for me?

My daughter is a poisonous flower

Beautiful and feared because she can defend herself

She says words my ancestors put in her head when she was a wee spark in the back on my mind

She’s soft and fragrant but if you try and cut her down she’ll destroy you

Sharp and clear like a silver mirror from the castle of my nightmares

Sometimes she reads my mind like it’s nothing

Then goes back to believing in unicorns

I listen to the same old songs again and again

Playing back in my mind the memories they begat

But 

Are they real? Am I real? Is any of this real?

Did they exist? The girls I loved? The poison I consumed?

Was it all in my head? Am I really somewhere safe? Have I been gone the whole time?

Am I human?

I’m so used to pain that I shudder when it stops

I built a wall just to write your name on it and smash it and mourn you

I believe in god but it’s not the god you think

My god has a heart

My god forgives humans for lying but not for hurting themselves

If this god exists, they think I’m hilarious 

I don’t know I ever want to meet them face to face

Kill your idols

My daughter is a ray of sunshine, bright and misunderstood

If you stare too long she’ll blind you

She’s the ocean’s waves, so soothing until they pull you under

I once wrote a poem where I swore I would never be a mother

But to the child I’ll never have, I said

Remember to tell your loved ones that you love them

Because tomorrow may never come

I’ve sent out countless dramatic messages in half consumed wine bottles

Calling out for someone to save me from this deserted mind island I put myself on

But god, did you not hear

That water seeps through and wets the paper and muddies the message

And by the time anyone picks it up, it says

“I’m fine”.